Conservatives to announce spare kidney tax

David Cameron

David Cameron

Following the successful abolition of the spare room subsidy, Prime Minister David Cameron is set to announce a new debt-reduction initiative – a “spare kidney tax.”

Under the scheme, to be officially announced at the Conservative Party Spring Conference in early May, all recipients of housing benefit will be required to sign up to a “Potential Donors Register” or face immediate withdrawal of benefits.

The Register, to be jointly run by Atos and Capita, will collect, store and market bio-chemical data against a list of potential recipients from the global High-Net-Worth-Individual sector.

Details are sketchy, but a source at the Treasury, speaking on condition of anonymity said “ The projections show that there is a large market for this. Research we commissioned from Ernst & Young shows that dying plutocrats will spend well over the current market rate for a proper organ. They feel they deserve better than a dodgy ones from some freshly-executed Chinese criminal.”

Campaigners condemned the move as another example of the excesses of the Coalition. The British Medical Association has expressed grave reservations about the workability of the scheme and possible long-term implications for public health.

Responding to qualms expressed by the Liberal Democrats about the equity of the new scheme, a Department of Health spokeswoman anonymously said, “We recognise those concerns. A certain number of kidneys will of course be reserved for distribution to deserving cases on the NHS transplant waiting list. Except for anyone who has at any point ever claimed Jobseekers’ Allowance. Or Disability Living Allowance. We can’t have hard-working British kidneys being given to doley scum. It wouldn’t be right.”

Meanwhile, the Labour Party condemned the scheme categorically, but refused to confirm whether it would revoke it if elected at the 2015 General Election.

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