New Scandal: Local bureaucrat did not discriminate, harass or fiddle the books (From next week’s Private Eye)

A new corruption scandal has engulfed Neasden Council. After extensive independent and police investigations, local middle-manager John Smith has been found to have never traded his position for any financial or sexual favours.

A twelve month inquiry, involving officers from four police forces and costing in excess of £4 million pounds, was launched after an anonymous tip-off.  Labelled “Operation Weirdo,” the action is believed to be the first to have found any member of the British Establishment over the level of part-time janitor to be innocent of impropriety.

Sources say that Mr Smith, who is married with two daughters, has scrupulously avoided innuendo, situations where any woman might have cause to worry about his intentions and favouritism towards people of his own ethnic, religious and cultural background

A disgraced Mr Smith, who faces a lifetime sentence of being labelled a sucker who would not play the game, gave this comment through his lawyer, who could barely stand to be in the same room as him.

“I’m sorry. I know that everyone else was doing it and that I should have joined in. It was a weakness on my part – I once read an article about existentialism and ethics, and ever since then I’ve struggled to play my part in modern Western society. I am so ashamed.”

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