With this blog I try to either say something, or cross-post something funny or provocative every day.
This I have done for several years now. I’ve come close to packing it in on several occasions, but some of the friendships I have made (including a couple that seem to be in permanent abeyance, sadly), have kept me at it. (Thanks to V, A and S especially)
Recently some of the posts here have been cryptic and in-jokey (well, not really jokey) to the point of pointlessness.
That will stop (or rather, I will try to stop doing that). I will try to keep my personal stuff squared away, as they say in the killing-foreigners-at-the-behest-of-local-political-leaders game.
Or rather, I will try to allow the anger and fear and vitriol (self-directed) and regrets and so on to become useful not just to myself, but also to others. Theoretically. Btw, I am beginning to get this Buddhist thing about anger as horribly toxic.
So, a proper blog post. “Proper” in that it isn’t just me spinning words. But still probably banal. So it goes.
Vulnerability is what we (alright, I’ll speak for myself – I) fear. Taught it – “toughen up” “you lead with your chin” “be a man” etc etc. Have fought for emotional continence for years, with mixed results. Have substituted flashes of anger (sometimes more than flashes, if I am honest), contempt in lieu of acceptance of imperfectibility, frailty, fragility, needs. Not always – many is the time I have been able to admit my own errors, tolerate ambiguity. But not enough.
It’s easy to substitute work (lots and lots of work), intelligence (some of it innate, probably, lots of it via expensive education and prolonged adolescence thanks to accidents of bank account, some of it consciously cultivated) and did I mention work in the place where connection to self and others ought to be. It’s easy to drown out your own vulnerability with that. And then you wake up one day to the fact that in doing that, in choosing cauterisation, you have been blinding yourself to the vulnerability and needs of others. And that is a deeply deeply shitty place to be. Just saying.